So, my boss and I are investigating a cheating case across the border in California.
We show up to this enormous mansion, it’s at the top of a hill. We get cleared through security, and after a drive up the extravagant tree-lined path the husband is waiting for us. He’s looking pissed as hell and for some reason he’s in a bathrobe. There’s an older brown Mexican woman standing beside him. She appears to be a housekeeper. We make eye contact.
The husband is already at a 10. “THANK GOD you’re fucking here! My wife, she-”
My boss quickly stops him from making a scene. “Let’s go inside and talk in private.”
So the husband leads us inside and takes us into a meeting room.
“Tell us everything you know,” my boss asks as we sit. His voice is bored. The two of us have done countless cheating investigations. They kind of lose their drama after the eighth time you discover a husband with a secret porn ring or a wife with a lover in Australia.
“I told her to take a vacation so I could hire you guys while she was gone. I know my wife is cheating on me,” the husband is literally wringing his hands. “I don’t know who the guy is or how she gets him in past security, but they do it in my house. She’s acting so smug lately, like she used to after we… y’know. Sadly, we stopped being intimate after my doctor said-”
“Okay,” now I’m interrupting him. I do not want to know that information. “Have you asked any of your house staff what they know or may have seen?”
The husband rolls his eyes. “None of them speak English. How would I ask them anything?”
My boss just looks at me, exhausted. I get up to go find the housekeeper from earlier.
We immediately switch to Spanish.
“What the fuck is going on with that puto mierda?”
She’s been dying to tell me. “So the wife is cheating with the vice-president of the husband’s company. She sneaks him in through the window near the garden where there aren’t any cameras. They fuck in the wine cellar when cabrón is watching sports. They have been doing this for three years.”
I nod. “Do you have proof?”
“Just go to the ‘wine cellar.’The husband never goes down there. The only people that do are us and… you know.”
We go. As soon as I open the door I’m greeted with a VERY pungent smell and endless amounts of BDSM equipment. An A-frame, stocks, swing, it’s literally a sex dungeon.
The housekeeper turns to look at me, pointedly. I’m in so much disbelief that the husband has never discovered all this in three years or bothered to ask his staff that I have no clue what to even say.
“I’m telling you this not because I care about the husband,” the housekeeper makes sure to clarify, “but because the wife is a piece of shit who underpays us and I want to see the husband possibly kill his best friend. I am old. It will bring me joy before I die.”
We return to the meeting room, and I must have looked off because both my boss and the husband stopped talking to look directly at me.
“Yeah, I have something that you need to see. And I’m going to have to charge extra for pain and suffering damages.”
Moral of the story: Watch Parasite the movie and never ever underestimate the fearsome power of a latina who hates your guts and loves telenovela
i can so vividly imagine the Mrs María housekeeper just ITCHING to cause some DRAMA like I bet the whole hispanic community already calls her boss “ah yes the cornudo” and then she saw a chance to cause CHAOS and she did not hesitate once like
and today she’ll go home and tell her family “the cornudo hired PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS and so a gringo and a 180cm tall scary lady showed up and I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING”
and her kids and grandkids will be like “DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA THROW PUNCHES. DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA KILL THE DUDE.”
and tomorrow will be the first day in ages where she’s absolutely HYPED to go to work because she now has the best gossip on the whole neighborhood and everyone is waiting to see how this telenovela ends
Tbh would 1000000% watch/read the cozy mystery of Mrs. Maria who is a housekeeper who keeps solving cases, going from rich white idiot to rich white idiot, putting them in jail, getting a finders fee, until eventually, she’s like “You know what? Why clean houses for a living when I CLEAN UP in private eye work?” And then I want to see Mrs. Maria coming in and pushing all the dude P.I.’s out of the way with her smarts and absolute LOVE OF THE DRAMA!
Man I need this in my life…
I’ve shared before, but it may predate my usual tag for this, plus it’s an awesome story. The sheer power of “it will bring me joy before I die”. Have it again.
today my bf and i were talking about visiting my home for the holidays and i was (sadly) wondering aloud if i should cut my hair and our kid was like “why would you cut your hair??? your hair is cool” and not knowing how to explain it to him i said “my family doesnt think boys should have long hair” to which he went silent, wordlessly pulled out his phone and then swiftly held it out with a picture of keeanu reeves on his phone
^ POV u are me witnessing my 15 year old decimate decades of transphobia in an instant
Hello yes winning a shitty ex competition and watching a hagfish tear Alien-style through a fish carcass named after the boy who faked leaving the country instead of dumping me properly has done more for my mental health than the months of therapy he caused.
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